As I approached the infamous 9:30 Club in the heart of this nation’s most fucked and depraved city, Washington DC, I could feel the butterflies begin to dance in my stomach.  Even a seasoned Rock journalist, such as myself, who has endured the wrath of countless prima donnas, endless rap-core bands, negligent tour managers, frustrated asshole doormen, and other assorted boring idiots, could not have been prepared for my newest assignment, an interview with GWAR. 

 Upon arriving at the club and letting the doorman know I was there, the waiting began.  For hours I waited in the blustery arctic cold of the DC streets while Mr. “I going to pretend that I don’t know who you are even though you’ve interviewed tons of bands here” Doorman kindly sat on his ass inside the warm club, not getting the tour manager for me.  Then I realized I had a cell phone and called the guy and he came and got me.  He was actually pretty cool about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After another long and agonizing period of waiting inside the club, which lasted roughly nine months, GWAR went on tour again and it was just my luck that they stopped in DC at the same exact club.  They even had the same tour manager who remembered me.  “You ready for the interview,” he asks.  “Sure, what the Hell.”

 I was then led into the murky depths of the club for my interview with GWAR.  Their dressing room was littered with various bloody instruments of death.  Hordes of sickly, battered children were crawling around in their own waste, sifting through the thick purple, red, and black sludge that was the floor, desperately trying to find something edible that was at least, “almost dead.”   There were nuns in various stages of undress desperately trying to tend to their bruised and bloodied genitalia before their “Masters” returned for another round of Crack induced orgy.  And there was a deli tray.

 After a short and visually stunning wait, a fowl and indescribable odor began to fill the room.  It grew stronger and stronger until the sheer magnitude of it made my eyes well up with tears.  As I looked into the heart of the odor, which manifested itself as a murky, urine colored fog, I could barely make out the shape of two shadows growing in the center of the fog that sort of resembled the silhouettes of small, Goth, leprechauns.  As the shadows grew I began to realize that these were no Goth leprechauns approaching.  It was GWAR.   Before I knew it they were in the room with me.  Starring me down with their piercing, blood shot, yet, playful eyes.  Surrounded and terrified, I cowered in the corner desperately looking for a way out.  Seeing that escape was hopeless, I went for the interview…

 

I wanted to ask…

Oderus- (Interrupting) What do you want with me human before I end your miserable pathetic life by splitting your body in half with a blood soaked battle ax?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wanted to do somewhat of a psychological evaluation with you.

 Beefcake-  (Mockingly) Coo-Koo, Coo-Koo.

Oderus-  (Wildly scanning the room) Is there a bird in here?  There’s a bird I hear.  There’s a giant bird.  A black spectral beast is in this room.  You can’t see it but I can.  Quickly, do the interview or it will peck out your little eyes.  Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck. 

Beefcake- (Confused)  Psycho analyze what?  Psychomological?

 

This is something…

 Beefcake-  (Angrily) What?!?

…that my psychologist did with me.

Beefcake-  Oh jeez!  What did he touch your butt hole?

Oderus-  (Pointing) This is Beefcake and I’m Oderus.

Beefcake- No, no, no, that’s Oderus, I’m Beefcake.

Oderus-  I’m Odercake and that’s Beeferous and together we are traveling Steak-Um representatives selling Steak-Ums door to door, stumbling in on horrific scenes of homicide perpratrated by White against Black.  Always the White against the Black.

 

[awkward silence]

 

 

 

 

Oderus-  What do you want I ask again?!?!  Ask questions or be prepared to be babbled at for hours!!

Beefcake-  Insert questions here!

 

All right…

Beefcake- (Screaming) ASK!!!!! 

Jizzmac-  You guys are morons aren’t you?

Yeah

Beefcake-  That’s Jizzmac and he wasn’t kidding.

I’m going to…

Oderus-  The quicker you ask the questions, the quicker I will answer them and the quicker this will be over.

 

I will say a word.  You say the first thing that comes to your head.

Oderus- [Annoyed with our attempt at groundbreaking and creative journalism]  Banal!!

 

Oh you like this…

Beefcake-  Get on with it!!!

Dog

Oderus-  Tedious.

Rainbow

Beefcake- Poo-poo.

Oderus-  Idiotic.

Toddlers

Beefcake- Faggots.

Linkin Park

Beefcake- Gay!!

Ozzfest

Beefcake- Gay!!

 

Are you guys on the Ozzfest?  [Let it never be said that I don’t know when enough is enough]

Oderus-  We refuse to be on anything as stupid as Ozzfest. We… (pauses)… No.

What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to you while raping a child?

Oderus- I didn’t cum. 

Beefcake- Strange.

Oderus-  That was odd.

Beefcake- And he liked it.

 

 

 

What does ape pussy feel like?

Oderus- Ape pussy?  Why don’t you go fuck your mother and find out!!

Beefcake-  OOOHHHH!?!?!?!?

[Yeah I know I walked right into that shit]

 What really happened in Atlantis?  I hear rumors about some show. 

 Oderus-  That’s a bunch of crap, I don’t care about that shit anymore.

Beefcake-  It was a long weekend.  I drank a lot.  I had to piss.  I kept pissing and pissing and pissing and the next thing you know…

Oderus-  We didn’t mind.  But the inhabitants drowned.

Beefcake-  They were a bunch of assholes anywayz.  Rich snobs with all their cures for cancer and their enlightenment.  Fuck a bunch of pussy, Atlantian, faggot, vegan cock-suckers. 

Oderus-  And I enjoy a good Beefcake scalding bath of urine.

If humans came from monkeys…

 Oderus-  You sir have spent too much of your life with your pimply face buried in a GWAR comic book.  I advise you to stop acting like such a geek or even you mother won’t fuck you anymore.  Don’t ask me about the past.  Ask me about the present…(pause)… or the future…(pause)… or the past. 

What legacy do you want to leave in the future on the music industry?

Oderus-  We don’t want to leave a legacy or a future.  We want to erase the future by destroying everything including at some point ourselves. 

Do you have timetable?

Beefcake-  We don’t even have a watch.  A time table, is that just like a big giant watch you can like put your drinks on? 

Oderus-  Bands come bands go.  Genres change, planets are reduced to atoms, GWAR floats around until we find a new place to fuck up.  This is my life.

What one thing would you do to change the music industry?

 Oderus- Try to kill everyone in it.

Nice…

Beefcake-  No it’s not nice!

Oderus-  It’s not nice at all to have a

broad sword rammed in your gut! 

 

Who would you start with?

 Oderus-  Anyone, that’s why no one will play with GWAR because they know they will die.  These opening bands had to be re-animated every night after the show, but it does save on catering. 

Beefcake-  We don’t have to pay them because we kill them.  We re-animate them and they’ve forget that they played last night and didn’t get paid. 

Oderus-  In-dee-da-lee-do.  

Do you guys get home sick?

 Beefcake-  I got sea sick once, in a car.

Oderus-  I’m sickened by you and everything that you stand for. 

 

What are your immediate goals as a band?

 

Beefcake- (In a mocking little school girl voice) Yeah, what are your immediate goals as a band?

 

Oderus-  End this idiotic intertwine as

quickly as possible. 

Yes, get out of this interview quickly.

 

Beefcake-  And wash all memory away in a sea of beer.

 

 What type of people do you like to rape the most?

 

Oderus-  Drunk ones.

 

Beefcake-  Drunk rapists.

 

 

Oderus-  Birds of a feather, rape together.  Though I do enjoy raping elderly women, hurting them, busting into their homes late at night, waking them from a sound sleep.  Raping the cunting whore to death while smothering her with a pillow.  I enjoy this.

 

Beefcake-  I like to stab them in the gut, and then fuck the hole.

 

Oderus-  Hole fucker.  These things we do.  And we don’t come through the door either, we just walk through the wall in a perfect silhouette of destruction that matches our silhouettes.  But then there’s bricks on us and of course plaster and dust, but we rape anyway.  We rape right through the construction material.  We rape with the construction material. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beefcake-  Sometimes we rape the construction material. 

 

Oderus-  Yes.  We are rapists, proud of our rape heritage.  Many say I am proud of being black, I am proud of being white.  I am proud of being a rapist.  Raping through life.  Raping women, children, dogs, fish, cats, TV quiz show announcers…

 

Beefcake-  Bricks.  Construction materials.

 

Oderus-  I am a rapist sir, and a proud rapist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know you have a little history with this so… do you feel comfortable answering a couple questions about crack cocaine?

 

Oderus-  I can talk about it.  I have no problem with crack anymore.  I am, true, a recovering crack-aholic crack head.  I used to smoke a nine ton crack boulder every minute.  My whole life I had a machine followed me everywhere,  the whole club had to be filled with crack smoke and actually the fans did enjoy that.  Instead of a fog machine we had a crack machine.  I found though that crack smoking was making me a little silly.  It made me silly.  Kind of jolly.  Giddy like a school girl with her knickers all in a twist and grasshoppers crawling out of her vagina.  Nevertheless, so I stopped smoking crack but I do eat it now and I find eating it makes me mean.

 

Beefcake-  I like to chop it all up and mix it with cinnamon and put it on buttered bread and toast it and make this lovely cinnamon toast crack bread thing. 

Oderus-  Yes, he’s an excellent crack cook.

Do you think your blatant homosexuality kind of emasculates the GWAR image?

 Oderus-  No, I don’t believe that, I’m not a homosexual, I’ve never claimed to be one.  I am an omnisexual.  I posses and violate the organs and the genitals of several species.   I’m neither male nor female nor whale. 

Beefcake-  Yeah we’re not gay if that’s what your implying!! I’m fucking married all right!!

Oderus-  Merely because I rape little boys in the ass people think I’m gay!

Beefcake-  That doesn’t make you gay.

Oderus- I mean what kind of shit is that?!?

Beefcake-  It’s not gay if you don’t kiss.  It’s not gay if you don’t cuddle and go antiquing later. 

Oderus-  It’s not gay if it’s punishment.

Do you guys have any final words of wisdom for the SPORE readers?

Oderus- What’s that?!?

 

Beefcake-  The what?!?

 

Oderus-  Who’s this for?!?

 

SPORE Magazine

 

Beefcake-  Spore?!?  No, no, no, I thought this was for Time Magazine!!  Oderus,  we’ve been mislead!

Go to Official GWAR website